SAEKI

or scared?

Finals and papers are soon due. 

It’s scary because this will be my last official semester to deal with school.

Even though I am going to take a summer class, the feeling of that class won’t feel the same after graduation.

I aven’t finished polishing my resumes….T_T

I still need to look for more jobs.

Blah, all this new stuff is a little new to me. 

Hopefully things will turn out well!

-Jess

Family is technically supposed to be united right?

As depicted in movies. 

Sadly, it’s not true within the household I live in. 

Ever since little, this home was pretty lonely.

It pretty much housed me and my mom.

My dad…eh….it was pretty much kinda like nice stranger with a bad temper.

My father always wondered why I was distant when I arrived home, ever since I was teenager.

Yet, less than two years ago, he found out why I disliked him for- the mistreatment/neglect of the family and my mother.

Home is supposed to be safe- but here…at home…it’s not.

It’s just drama after drama. It’s like living in some sort of prison where- even getting out for something with friends needs permission.

yet he expects to be an adult.

-sigh- everyday I wonder how long is this going to last? How long is going to keep disappearing.

All I ever wished was a loving dad and good husband towards my mom.

Not like this- who leaves out of nowhere and comes back when he wants. Just because of his actions…my dad’s side of the family just pity’s me….because they know my relationship isn’t good.

I hate it.

I hate the fact they pity me. I know they do, I feel it, I sense it.

Just like I sense the tension at home.

I dunno what to do. All I can say… is schoolwork was the only thing that made escape from the stress, from the emotional breakdown at most.

Now I think I’m just gonna become a workaholic- just because I want to escape from this emotion. From this stress.

I seriously need to grow up and face these things.

It’s stupid- but i need to be stronger and fight- I need to stand up for myself even more. Even if he’s gonna yell at me. 

I need to show him- I’m me. Before I move out, I will show him. 

=), must. be positive.

Everyday. 

urrgh, just handed in my first application hopefully it goes well!!

Other than that- dealing with school. Making resumes and cover letters. 

NYPL- page job? ( as a temp)

Red Mango…

URGH. I have no experience in work, except clerical/receptionist- where i volunteered years ago T_T

and intern at a hospital- where i don’t think my former supervisior works there anymore. 

…..that was in high school though…

T_T.

I hate being scared. 

Let’s see what other job I can apply for. XD.

This is so new to me. 

I’m sorry (yea)
That I had to let you go
If I could just turn back the time (one way)

How was your day today?
Was it ok without me?
“Please don’t go, please don’t go”
I shouted that phrase countless times

Your expressions, voice and the habits
I won’t foget’em, I won’t forget’em
I still can’t get over you

If I could see you once more for the last time
Then I would make you mine again
One last chance, intoxicate on my spell
Look in to my eyes, slowly you fall into them

You’ll be trapped under my magic
My magic will rewind you back
You will seek me out, drunk on my spell
Spell the magic on you, spell the magic

All I need to do is cast a spell on you, And you’ll be mine again

Why did you lie
And put me to this state?
“It’s okay, it’s okay”
Now even I’m lying

We were happy
We were truly in love
Please come back, please come back
Cuz I won’t let go of your hands

I used to tell myself that I’m fine
Scared that you might forget about me
How the time flew by, I struggled to look calm
Gone, I’m going down, and already left

Stretch your hand out to catch the person
The person who left will come back, just like that
Tell yourself “It’s okay, it’s okay”
Now, without anyone knowing
I catch you while reminiscing the past
Please stop being so cruel, I’m bout to die
I no longer exist in your heart
So go away, go away, I’m fine
Cast the spell on you

 haha. The more I look back why this song a meaning to me, just made me laugh how naive I was, but then again- this song is catchy. Even now I like it. 

Eish. stupid Momo, guess things change eh?

Just a train of thought.

Nothing personal. =). 

I miss Babi.

mols:

I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and saw them crying in their bed at night or singing in the shower or humming quietly to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street. And even if they were really weird and had no friends at school, I think, after seeing them at their most vulnerable, you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them.

^ that’s what I love about Babi. His flaws. ^_^

Why is it the most embarrassing things tend to happen when I’m with babi…

errr…..after that talk….i don’t think I even wanna….go…and experiment again…>.>…

Even after all these years, my shyness and tendency to embarrass myself has not changed…

let alone….everyday…i begin to hate my body…>.>.

BLAH. I NEED TO STOP THINKING SO MUCH.

I’ve been feeling unpretty lately. But all this stress about school doesn’t help me realize my self-image…

fml. BLEH.

Right now, I just simply hate being a girl. 

>.>